No Pun Intended

This is the only legitimate use of the phrase "No pun intended". If you say it when you actually do lay a paronomasial effect, take pride. Even if it was an accident.


This wasn't actually my hobby (no pun intended) until 3 1/2 minutes ago.

I'm a Backwards Thinker, Too

This is a new kind of wordplay. The closest I can find to describe it is a mix between anadiplosis and palindrome. But that's not quite right. Maybe Ray Gunner has an idea. At any rate, I like the effect quite a bit.

What's in a name?

First off, thanks to Fr. Barry for giving up this topic for me to post in his stead.

In a bizarre twist of historical artifacts which will surely generate interest in fields as varied as psychoanalysis to genetic biology, it's been determined that the father of President Lincoln's assassin, John Wilkes Booth, was the authentic author of a letter written to President Andrew Jackson, threatening to kill him. Truly, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree:

'London-born Junius Brutus Booth was a famous Shakespearean actor and a manic public figure. He had three sons in the theater, including John Wilkes Booth, who later would murder President Lincoln in April 1865 at Ford's Theatre in Washington.

"(Junius) Booth was well-known for acting up, acting out, as well as acting," Feller said.'

Whoa! Check that... His middle name was Brutus? How fitting is that? That my friends, is called an 'aptronym'- when a person's occupation matches his name. Some other noteworthy (and very real!!) aptronyms:

Anger Management
Dr. Richard Madden (Hudson, N.Y.)

Astronomers
Alan Heavens (University of Edinburgh)

Cabinet Secretaries
Margaret Spellings (Secretary of Education)

Clergy
Jaime Lachica Cardinal Sin, former archbishop of Manila

Dentists/Orthodontists
Ngoc Quang Chu, DDS (Bethesda, Md.)
Dalbert Fear, Jr., DDS (Ann Arbor, Mich.)
Ken Hurt, DDS (Albuquerque, N.M.)
Kenneth Krowne, DDS (Brookline, Mass.)
Les Plack, DDS (San Francisco, Calif.)
Anthony J. Puller, DDS (Richmond, Va.)
Randall Toothaker, DDS (University of Nebraska Medical Center)
Barth, Lacy, and Craig Toothman (Columbus, Ohio)

Food Critics
Jamie Maw (Vancouver magazine)

Football Players
Brian Baldinger (former defensive lineman, Dallas Cowboys, Indiana Colts, and Philadelphia Eagles)
Joey Goodspeed (former running back, St. Louis Rams)
Quentin Jammer (cornerback for the San Diego Chargers)

Gastroenterologists
Angel Colon (Annapolis, Md.)

Gynecologists
Dr. Bonnie Beaver (West Hills, Calif.)
Dr. Harry Beaver, retired (Fairfax, Va.)
Sheldon H. Cherry (New York, N.Y.)
Dr. Hyman Meltzer, deceased (Chicago) Too bad it's not Metzger-German for 'butcher'.

Leadership Expert
Jack Christ (Ripon College, Ripon, Wis.)

Lobbyists
Leon Billings
Robert Cashdollar

Musicians
Linda Toote (Flautist, Boston, Mass.)

Novelists/Essayists
Francine Prose (New York, N.Y.)

Office Supplies and Equipment
Dean Boring, president, Boring Office Supplies (Lakeland, Fla.)

Opthalmologists
Dr. Kevin Blinder (Washington University)

Ornithologists
David Bird (director, Avian Science and Conservation Center, McGill University, Canada)

Podiatrists
Dr. Allen Korn (Washington, D.C.)

Police
John Lawless (Haverstraw, N.Y.)

Psychologists/Psychiatrists
Dr. Jules Angst, emeritus professor of psychiatry, University of Zurich
Roberta L. Nutt, Ph.D., director, Counseling Psychology Doctoral Program, Texas Women's University

Race-car Drivers
Scott Goodyear
Scott Speed

Rapists, Convicted
Robert Raper (Boston, Mass.)

Realtors
Ann Greathouse (Pittsburgh, Pa.)

Religion, Professors of
Terry Godlove (Hofstra University)

Risk Management
John C. Chicken (author, The Philosophy of Risk)

Sexual Misconduct Researcher
Charol Shakeshaft

Spokespersons

Am Rong (Khmer Rouge spokesman, Cambodia)
Tony Snow (Washington, D.C.)
Larry Speakes (Reagan White House flak)

Urologists
Dr. Richard ("Dick") Chopp (Austin, Texas)
Dr. Dennis Peters (Pensacola, Fla.)
Dr. Alexander Philpott (Wheat Ridge, Colo.)
Dr. Keith Waterhouse, retired (New York, N.Y.)

One Last Thought On Modernist Architecture

No matter how hard you push the envelope, it's still stationery.

Ahead of the Cuervo

They say tequila is strong enough to solve all your problems, but I want to see the proof...

Yes! I'm Voting for Palin/McCain

I'm sorry. I've been swamped. I've been studying, working, fathering...oh wait- that doesn't work quite the same as a transitive verb. At any rate, I haven't had the chance to spout about Palin.

So without further ado, and doing something that I never, ever do (make rash decisions)...I love that chick. Well, I love the team that is Sarah Palin and her speechwriter. A few months ago I talked about how the Obamanation was a WIZARD WITH WORDS. Now, we clingers-to-religion-and-guns have our own master of oratory. Obama would like to think he doesn't Palin comparison, but he does.

Sure, we don't know a whole lot about her, about her policies, about her skills on the international stage, but frankly my dear, I don't give a damn. Vice-Presidents are boosters. They speak for the President when he can't be there. They speak for the President when he can't be forthcoming for diplomatic purposes. They are bulldogs that attack, and they attack with words.

There are two aspects that have made me read, reread, watch and rewatch (I'm not kidding, I've watched her speech 6 times-uh, I mean I've been fathering...) her speech: the substance and the delivery. Text and video at HUFFINGTON POST. Ha. Linking there because I can.

Her delivery was amazing. She knew her lines. She looked at the camera. Her lip quivered when it was supposed to and her smile warmed when needed. Even her daughter got in the act with a cute little moment.

But it was that speech. (I know, what follows may not mean much to most, but I bet Ray Gunner's on my side.) A rhetorician, like a carpenter, uses tools as he plies his trade. The rhetorician uses figures of speech like the carpenter uses hammers, saws, straightedges. And like the carpenter's tools, figures of speech have names to distinguish them. A carpenter doesn't want to waste his time saying 'Hey, Joe, hand me that metal blade with the serrated edge and wooden handle that is used for slicing wood into two halves.' The only difference is that figures of speech are unfortunately only named by Greek words generally unpronouncable to even Greek geeks.

Unfortunately, rhetoric, as an art, is dying except for the very few samples that fly around. The Palin speech, however, was so full of figures of speech that I'm still finding them after a full week. Chiasmus. Anaphora. Diacope. Conduplicatio. There is nary a paragraph, a line, a clause without a figure. Alive and well is Rhetoric in Palin's speech, just as rhetoric is alive and well in Obama's.

I don't support Palin because she's experienced. She's not. I don't support Palin because she's got the right policies, even though she does. I don't support Palin because she's a token woman. She's not. I don't support Palin because she can de-liver a moose as well as she can a speech, even though she does.

I support her because of those figures. Not merely because I happen to love figures of speech, but because it's through the correct use of those tools that opinions are swayed, emotions are induced or quelled. Their use is how people are convinced and how congresses are convened. And these are the things that qualified Vice Presidents do.

I'm juiced about Palin because she delivered. Her delivery was perfect when she was asked to deliver a speech, and will be perfect when asked to deliver again. Vice Presidents are boosters. Let her be one.

I think she's got it. I think she's not merely a pawn of the Republican machine, being manipulated and hand fed her lines and unable to think on her own. All the same, God speed to the debates, when we find out whether she's for real or just a puppet regurgitating well-written speeches.

But isn't Obama a puppet to the whims of change?

Vociferously Vocalizing Vocatives Evoking Vocational Vocabulary

It's not really my M.O. to just list off a bunch of puns, because I'd rather sprinkle them into my commentary. These, however, are so good, I have to let them fly as is. Enjoy. Hat tip to my brother.

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'

In a Podiatrist's office:
'Time wounds all heels.'

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

At a Proctologist's door:
'To expedite your visit, please back in.'

On a Plumber's truck:
'We repair what your husband fixed.'

On another Plumber's truck:
'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'

On a Church's Bill board:
'7 days without God makes one weak.'

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
'Invite us to your next blowout.'

At a Towing company:
'We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.'

On an Electrician's truck:
'Let us remove your shorts.'

In a Nonsmoking Area:
'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'

On a Maternity Room door:
'Push. Push. Push.'

At an Optometrist's Office:
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'

On a Taxidermist's window:
'We really know our stuff.'

On a Fence:
'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'

At a Car Dealership:
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'

Outside a Muffler Shop:
'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'

At the Electric Company
'We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be.'

In a Restaurant window:
'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'

At a Propane Filling Station:
'Thank heaven for little grills.'

And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
'Best place in town to take a leak.'

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:

'Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises'

Change Is in the Air

It has been said that the first item of business in the beginning of any inquiry is to define the terms, and posit the principles by which one is to proceed. 96% of erudition is not in actually knowing more than your foes, but in making them pick up a dictionary to understand what they themselves would say in common lingo. Thus, Kant was able to successfully keep a healthy distance from objectors by merely inventing a new philosophical language which disallowed readers to turn to the lexicon. In order to combat this problem while at the same time employing it, we must begin with defining terms.

Therefore, our study of wordplay will commence with a short discussion about change. More specifically, we must discuss what grammatical objects are being changed, how they are being changed, and where they are being changed. What. How. Where.

The best place to start is describing 'how' words are changed. There are four operations of change: addition, subtraction, transposition and substitution. In similar fashion to the four basic mathematical operations, transposition and substitution can be argued to be extensions of addition and subtraction in the same was as multiplication and division. I would, nonetheless, say that they are in fact different operations, as would any rightly thinking mathematician of his own operae.

The following are examples of the four operations of change.

Addition:
Kidiot: On the way to becoming a dolt.
I avoid funerals because I'm not a mourning person.

Subtraction:
Being shot at with a bow is an arrowing experience.
The pun is mightier than the word.

Transposition:
Feudalism: It's your Count that votes!
Alimony: The bounty of mutiny.

Substitution:
A pun is its own reword.
An ignoranus is both stupid and an asshole.

Humor is a Funny Thing

Way back in time, when I was a freshman in college (for the first time) and still tinkering with the idea that I might want to become a doctor, I took a biology course that basically focused on the dissection of various critters. This was merely an extension of my childhood activities, as I grew up in a family of hunting and fishing guides in Wyoming, so I had cut up just about every single animal I got my hands on. Anyway, the climax of the course was the vivisection of a turtle. After the basic inspection and harmless preliminary tests on the turtle, we drilled a 2" hole through the underside of its shell, and watched its heart beating. And watched its heart rate slow. And watched its heart stop completely.

Then, we currently shocked it back to pulsing. And let it die again. Shock, beat, stop. Shock, beat, stop. Every student, even the most repulsed by the idea of vivisection, had left behind any notion of even scientific endeavor for the awesome curiosity of playing God. No matter how many times I did it, that little heart started back up again. And even though I knew metaphysically that that turtle was no longer a turtle, it was an almighty feeling of power to pretend that physically, that turtle's life was in my hands.

Death Zap Life. Death Zap Life.

Some years later, I was struck by the powerful metaphor this event could represent, although in consistent fashion with my usual thinking, the metaphor was nowhere near as significant as the original, but I digress.

It has been said, and yet needs not be uttered, that the most surefire way to kill a joke is to analyze what it is that makes it funny. Humor is a funny thing. Those that are best at it, are usually unable, or at least unwilling, to describe what it is that makes their jokes funny. They know, as should I, that in analyzing a joke, its life is easily removed. Those of us with kids are particularly keen on this, as it's horribly and excruciatingly painful to explain to a 5 year old why it is that their knock knock jokes aren't funny, and yet even more painful realizing you must laugh at them.

With that in mind, I will now begin a long and arduous journey to vivisect as many jokes as necessary in order to classify, codify, and semper fi all species of wordplay. Therefore, with Ray Gunner at my side, I will over the coming months be looking at the various figures of speech that govern wordplay. (Not all wordplays are intended to be humorous, mind you, but all are figures of speech and are ordered to pathos: like it or not.)

Have you ever wondered how a Tom Swifty is different than a Wellerism? What are the particular forms and uses of palindromes? Why are some tongue twisters harder to say than others? What is a pun, anyway?

Yes, I will kill some of our favorite jokes in the process. It is nobly under the guise of academic inquiry and scientific knowledge that we will proceed, as if anyone really cares. Hopefully, you will find a shockingly new way to bring those jokes back to life in your own everyday usage.

Le Calembour est mort. Vive le Calembour!