Wednesday, May 14, 2008

I Think I Can, I Think I Can

Hat tip to my brother:

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- just to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't help myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Plato, Aquinas,
Bacon and Kant. I would return to the office dizzied and confused,
asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."

This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my
conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confess, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as
college professors and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently.

She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.

"I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Pascal. I roared into
the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors. They didn't open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Aristotle, a poster caught my eye, "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.

You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster.

This is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Farenheit 911", and next week it'll be "Porky's". Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just
seemed . . . easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.

Today, I began my last step to help others with thinking problems. I joined the Democratic Party.


Ignoramus said...

This is hysterically funny. Is this original to you?

The Vitruvian Duck said...

I wish I could claim it. My brother sent it to me, but I did change the references to more intelligible and intelligent philosophers.

"Father Barry" said...

I know I've already mentioned this, but I think the 911 reference was my favorite part.